in memoriam of ala-ism.pansitan.net
I miss being able to write.
Most of you following me on Tumblr now probably used to follow me at ala-ism.pansitan.net, a blog I maintained religiously for 6 years.
For 6 years, I poured out my heart and soul. I had so much to express about every single experience I went through, and I felt like a fountain of words and insight that never seemed to dry up. For 6 years, I gave of myself, passionately, freely, and some would even say recklessly.
And blogging gave back to me, too, and it gave back very well. To this day, I receive the most unexpected blessings in my life from a past reader, or for some entry I wrote years ago that I’ve forgotten about. It certainly opened up a lot of doors and avenues for me, and widened my world, my mind, and my social network. I found myself in the most unexpected places with the most unexpected people. To this day, my blog is still giving back.
I still don’t know exactly why I decided to delete my blog and obliterate 6 years of thought process from the internet. All I know is that it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after I knew it was gone. It was as if I had amputated a heavy appendage of very little use that I had been dragging around. What made it so heavy? Why did I have to delete it, why not just stop writing in it?
First of all, once a thought is expressed in word, people attribute a sort of permanence to it. An opinion expressed in word becomes irreversible, irrevocable.
Six years of my life was documented in that blog, and while I had changed in every possible way in those 6 years, entries I wrote 6 years ago have not. People will read them and assume that I still hold whatever thought or opinion I had on something to be true.
Second of all, there was such a lot of emotional baggage on that little bit of web domain of which I was the tenant of for 6 years. For so long I kept building and building, one emotional entry on top of each other, till it became teetering tower that was on the verge of collapse. I wanted to see it gone.
Third, writing, or any other endeavor that requires you to be open and honest, invites a lot of judgement, both good and bad. And that was something I got tired of dealing with. I guess I got tired of being the object of people’s opinions. It’s a pretty heavy weight to carry whether the opinions are bad or good. I guess I just wanted to be off the blogging radar for awhile.
By the time I deleted it, I was ready to tuck the whole thing away into a hard-drive, forget about it for awhile, and maybe look back on it lovingly as memories done day. And that’s exactly what I did.
Now I can’t really write anymore, not in the same open, loving, passionate manner that I used to. I can’t seem to get deep enough into my headspace like I used to. The upside is that I don’t often fall into the trap of thinking too much, as I often did. The downside is that I am not as free to create, and I know that I am guarded with my expression and that I no longer take risks. Maybe it’s for the best, but maybe not.
I still blog, I still tweet, I still have a presence on the web. But not to the same extent as before. Life is a bit more peaceful. But sometimes, I miss being able to write.
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