The art of taming each other

Remember chapter 21 of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s “The Little Prince”? The exchange between The Little Prince and the Fox where he quotes “What is essential is invisible to the eye”? It’s one of my most favorite literary exchanges ever.

It’s such an important read. Nothing else lays down the ground rules for relationships so clearly and simply,  from life-long friendships, to your relationship with your mother, with your business client or your hair dresser, or maybe even your relationship with yourself.

I especially like this paragraph:

“It would have been better to come back at the same hour,” said the fox.

“If, for example, you come at four o’clock in the afternoon, then at three o’clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o’clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you … One must observe the proper rites …”

Consistency goes a long way. Plain and simple. Inconsistent people waste other people’s time and jerk people around emotionally. Eventually, flakiness puts a strain on your relationships. Try being flaky in a business relationship and you will feel the effects right away.

That being said, I find it really hard to be friends with malabo people. The ones who say “Yes I’ll be there”, when it actually means “I may cancel on the day itself if I feel like it, or if I remember that I have something else planned”.

I find that my natural instinct is to keep these flaker-types at arm’s length where I can appreciate their good qualities without getting the massive headache that comes when they cancel out last minute (again and again). Sometimes, I even feel foolish for hoping, for expecting. But is it my fault for getting my heart ready?

It saddens me because they are usually good people with valuable qualities whom I get along with very well. In the beginning, things look very promising, but eventually the friendship reaches a dead end or feels stunted somehow because they can’t be consistent with the small things. What’s hard is that they’re usually the most well-meaning people who really just don’t have a grasp of the importance of ritual and reliability.

People who really take time out to “tame” you are few and far in between.

“Please—tame me!” he said.

“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.”

“One only understands the things that one tames,” said the fox. “Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me …”

“What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince.

“You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down at a little distance from me—like that—in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day …”

The next day the little prince came back.

“It would have been better to come back at the same hour,” said the fox. “If, for example, you come at four o’clock in the afternoon, then at three o’clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o’clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you … One must observe the proper rites …”

“What is a rite?” asked the little prince.

“Those also are actions too often neglected,” said the fox. “They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all.

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    need now. To tell me...was okay to hope...made my heart...

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